Drinking the anger away

It wasn’t until months after you left that I realized I had a drinking problem. I guess it started after our last and final goodbye. I was not devastated that we were going our separate ways, however, what got me was the main reason for our separation. What got me was how I finally found out the truth about who you really are, and that of course made me realize that our moments and memories, our history was all a big lie.

It was a game for you, and boy did you play it well. You played me really well. Your actions, your words, your thoughts, your generosity, it was like a screen play. I should have stood up and applauded once the final curtains closed, because damn, you really put on a show.

I turned to alcohol because it made me happy. It helped me free my mind and enjoy the simple things that surrounded me. I stopped feeling stupid for what you did to me. I never blamed myself for your lack of respect and dead brain cells. I just felt stupid that I was too blinded by your dark eyes and bright side smile to realize what you were really doing.

After the first few cups I began to let go of all the anger and hate I had towards you. The drinks wrapped their warmth around my soft heart and made me realize you were not worth holding a grudge over. Drinking made me realize that you really are not that important for me to wallow in sorrow.

A few days would pass and I would be fine, but then something would appear and I was back to hating you. The boiling rage that filled my body, was back, and wrapped itself around my soul, all because of you.

The thought of you made me cringe. It made me want to shower for hours to get your stink off my skin. It made me want burn my flesh off so I can forget how it felt to be touched by you. I wanted to go blind so I would never have to see another picture of you, and I knew eventually your image would erase from my brain.

At first I used to think you took my breath away from all you sweet actions and beautiful words, but then I realized I was just being suffocated by your lies. Lies that I did not notice until a little too late. Lies that I did not notice until the right person began pointing them out to me.

The alcohol helped me move on. The rounds of beers and Madurai sours mad me stronger. The vodka mixes and strawberry champagne made me feel more at peace with myself.  They made me let go of all the loathe I had inside of me, because of you.

And now, so many months after it all, I feel better. I feel fuller with happiness. I let go of all the negative feelings that I had bottled up towards you, because they were only hurting me. Those scarce moments you cross my mind, I feel petty towards you. I feel bad, that your poor decisions ruined the innocent soul you once used to be.




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