To Him

For days and weeks I was distracted from work, life, and family. I had sleepless nights because all I thought about was, what did I do wrong.

What did I do that you felt so comfortable pushing me away?

What did I say that you thought it was fine to walk away without saying a word?

Where did I go wrong, that you did not feel any guilt ignoring me and going about your life like I was no one important to you?

I felt horrible about myself. I felt worthless and unimportant. I felt incapable of being loved.

You made me doubt myself, my abilities, and my choices in life.

You made me doubt my character and my way of living.

However, after all that, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for breaking me, and teaching me how to put myself back together alone.

Thank you for making me feel bad about myself because now I am a much more confident soul.

Thank you for walking away, because when you left I found myself, and I learned my true worth.

When I thought there was something wrong with me, I eventually began to think clearer, see clearer and realize, there was nothing ever wrong with me, but everything wrong with you.

I was so blinded by your charisma that I never noticed you had zero personality. You spoke to people like they were beneath you just to make yourself feel better because you knew you had no character.

You build your muscles to cover up your weak soul.

You never have proper conversations with people because you don’t know how to keep an interesting conversation going.

You lack knowledge, you lack life, you lack love.

That is why I thank you, because of your weakness and insecurity, I found my light and strength.

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But Then There Was Him…

As I grew, I began to realize the beauty of this world.
The beauty of the Lebanese sunrise on the mediterranean;
The beauty of a star filled sky in Lubbock;
The beauty of the Christmas lights on the houses in Chicago.

As I grew, I began to understand the beauty of this world.
The beauty of helping an elder cross the street;
The beauty of feeding a stray animal that sits at the corner of the office;
The beauty of watching family members walk through the airport gates as they come home after a long time.

As I grew, I experienced the beauty of this world.
The beauty of walking the stage at graduation;
The beauty that comes from excitement while on an airplane;
The beauty of feeling independent at my first real job.

As I grew, I thought I had understood what true beauty in this world was,
But then there was him…

At that moment, I learned how to feel beauty with every fiber in my being.
The beauty of his lips on mine;
The beauty of his fingers on my skin;
The beauty of his warm breath on my neck;
The beauty in the sound of his heartbeat.

At that moment, I learned how to feel beauty with every fiber in my being.
The beauty of his single dimple that makes my heart rush;
The beauty of his dark eyes that make me blush;
The beauty of his voice every time he says a word.
The beauty in his tight hugs when he doesn’t want me to go.

At that moment, I learned how to feel beauty with every fiber in my being.
The beauty of falling asleep in his arms;
The beauty of waking up to his kiss;
The beauty of the fire we ignite;
The beauty of the passion in our chest.

And now, I know,
that beauty I felt,
will never come again,
except from him.