November 20, 2017

I hit rock bottom.

I hit rock bottom and didn’t even want to get back up. I was tired and drained and I had lost all hope in a better me.

I doubted myself. I doubted my capabilities, my possibilities, and my power. My confidence was shattered and I didn’t care to work on myself.

I let go of life and began going with the flow, just like a dead fish would. I convinced myself I was okay. I convinced myself that I would become better, even though I wasn’t working on it.

I didn’t try, I didn’t care, I didn’t even want to get better. What was the use piecing myself back together when I was going to shatter again?

One day, out of the blue I thought to myself, I’m in a better place. I realized, I was happy and living my life again. I don’t remember when it happened, or how it even happened. I don’t remember how I got better without even realizing. But I did.

Sometime during those long dark nights, and coffee cups, something inside be began to mend, and it shined right through.

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Summer Enchantment

Heartbeats and butterflies,

Sunsets and mountain views.

Road trips and long walks,

Late nights and random cruises.

Tan lines, and wine stains,

Cigarette smoke, and long tales.

Warm hugs and honest words,

Forehead kisses and a hand to hold.

Smiles that brighten the eyes and laughter that fills the air.

Lips that kiss the flesh and arms that hold the soul. 

Bodies that become one, and moans that vibrate the veins. 

Things get worse,

Life gets harder,

People become rude,

Friends pick up and leave for good.

Siblings stop talking,

Money runs out,

Storms pick up and destroy everything in sight. 

Hope gets lost,

Patience runs out,

Sickness overcomes,

Nothing remains but to tap out. 

My Beautiful

My hair is not always in place,
My nails are not always painted neatly.
My face is not always clear,
Makeup does not always cover my face.
My clothes are not always ironed right,
And the colors I wear don’t always match.
I don’t have a sweet laugh,
But rather an obnoxious one.
My teeth are not perfect,
And my smile is not always straight.
My voice is not always soft,
My words are not always graceful.
My eating can be messy,
And if the drink is good then there could be a slurp at the end.
I don’t always have good days,
I can be mean when I’m mad.
But even though,
My character is strong,
My soul is sensitive.
My hand is always held out to help,
My arms are always welcoming to new and old friends.
I can strike up a conversation with a total stranger,
I can strike up a conversation with an animal.
I am genuine,
I am straightforward,
I am honest,
I am caring.
And that, that is my beautiful.

He’ll never admit it

I know he still loves me. I catch him staring at me when he thinks I’m not looking. I notice the way he acts differently when I’m around. If he didn’t still love me, he would treat me just like any other person, but he doesn’t. I hear the hesitation in his voice before he says my name. I see the curiosity in his eyes when I talk about something and he wants to know more but he doesn’t want to be the one that asks. I know he still loves me. I know he still cares. But he’ll never admit it to me. He’ll never admit it to himself.

To Him

For days and weeks I was distracted from work, life, and family. I had sleepless nights because all I thought about was, what did I do wrong.

What did I do that you felt so comfortable pushing me away?

What did I say that you thought it was fine to walk away without saying a word?

Where did I go wrong, that you did not feel any guilt ignoring me and going about your life like I was no one important to you?

I felt horrible about myself. I felt worthless and unimportant. I felt incapable of being loved.

You made me doubt myself, my abilities, and my choices in life.

You made me doubt my character and my way of living.

However, after all that, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for breaking me, and teaching me how to put myself back together alone.

Thank you for making me feel bad about myself because now I am a much more confident soul.

Thank you for walking away, because when you left I found myself, and I learned my true worth.

When I thought there was something wrong with me, I eventually began to think clearer, see clearer and realize, there was nothing ever wrong with me, but everything wrong with you.

I was so blinded by your charisma that I never noticed you had zero personality. You spoke to people like they were beneath you just to make yourself feel better because you knew you had no character.

You build your muscles to cover up your weak soul.

You never have proper conversations with people because you don’t know how to keep an interesting conversation going.

You lack knowledge, you lack life, you lack love.

That is why I thank you, because of your weakness and insecurity, I found my light and strength.