I know it’s wrong, I know it’s not meant to be, but how do I tell my heart how to feel?
Heartbeats and butterflies,
Sunsets and mountain views.
Road trips and long walks,
Late nights and random cruises.
Tan lines, and wine stains,
Cigarette smoke, and long tales.
Warm hugs and honest words,
Forehead kisses and a hand to hold.
Smiles that brighten the eyes and laughter that fills the air.
Lips that kiss the flesh and arms that hold the soul.
Bodies that become one, and moans that vibrate the veins.
I know he still loves me. I catch him staring at me when he thinks I’m not looking. I notice the way he acts differently when I’m around. If he didn’t still love me, he would treat me just like any other person, but he doesn’t. I hear the hesitation in his voice before he says my name. I see the curiosity in his eyes when I talk about something and he wants to know more but he doesn’t want to be the one that asks. I know he still loves me. I know he still cares. But he’ll never admit it to me. He’ll never admit it to himself.
For days and weeks I was distracted from work, life, and family. I had sleepless nights because all I thought about was, what did I do wrong.
What did I do that you felt so comfortable pushing me away?
What did I say that you thought it was fine to walk away without saying a word?
Where did I go wrong, that you did not feel any guilt ignoring me and going about your life like I was no one important to you?
I felt horrible about myself. I felt worthless and unimportant. I felt incapable of being loved.
You made me doubt myself, my abilities, and my choices in life.
You made me doubt my character and my way of living.
However, after all that, I want to say thank you.
Thank you for breaking me, and teaching me how to put myself back together alone.
Thank you for making me feel bad about myself because now I am a much more confident soul.
Thank you for walking away, because when you left I found myself, and I learned my true worth.
When I thought there was something wrong with me, I eventually began to think clearer, see clearer and realize, there was nothing ever wrong with me, but everything wrong with you.
I was so blinded by your charisma that I never noticed you had zero personality. You spoke to people like they were beneath you just to make yourself feel better because you knew you had no character.
You build your muscles to cover up your weak soul.
You never have proper conversations with people because you don’t know how to keep an interesting conversation going.
You lack knowledge, you lack life, you lack love.
That is why I thank you, because of your weakness and insecurity, I found my light and strength.
What is home to you?
Is home where you grew up?
Is home where you originated from?
Is home in between the four walls you call your comfort zone?
Is home where your mother lays her head at night?
Is home where you have the back alleys all memorized?
Is home where you got your education and threw your cap?
Is home where you met your significant other? or where you started a family?
Is home where you scrapped your knees and counted the trees you passed?
Is home under the roof you built? the stones you put together?
Is home where you find he comfort of your friends?
What is home to you?
I don’t think of you as much anymore. You don’t randomly pop into my mind or appear in my dreams. I don’t suddenly hear your voice in my head giving me advice, or feeding me more lies. I don’t miss you. I don’t long for you. I don’t have love in my heart anymore for you.
But I have to admit, every time I hear your name spoken I flinch. Every time I see a picture of us, or of you, my heart fills with pain. I still hurt. I still drown in anguish from those dark brown eyes. I can’t look at a picture of you for more than 5 seconds before I feel the need to cry, or break my screen.
You broke me. Right when I thought I put myself back together. You broke me, again.
But this time felt a lot worse than the first time. Whenever I hear your name, or see your face I’m choked by all the lies you ever told me. I suffocate with the words that I will never know if they were true, or if they were the words you told her, too.
Years have gone by, and it kills me to say, your name and picture still ruin my day.
Eventually, this will all stop. The pain will go, and your name will leave my memory, along with how you look and all the things you have done. You will never be a regret, just a lesson learned, and a person to never cross paths with again.
My momma warned me about drugs and alcohol. She warned me about different kinds of trouble.
My momma warned me about fights and late nights. She warned me about strangers and cars.
My momma warned me about lies and heart breaks. She warned me about bad boys and their mistakes.
But my momma never warned me about American boys with blue eyes. She never warned me about their sweet words, and smile.
My momma never warned me about late night talks and long kisses. She never warned me about hearts that get stolen without the thief knowing.
My momma never warned me about sleepless nights filled with thinking. She never warned me about the American boy, with blue eyes, that has my head spinning.