Blame

I blame your big brown eyes, and your long dark lashes, that I always used to get lost in. They were my favorite piece of art in this universe. Many of my mornings, afternoons, and nights, were spent wandering in them. Looking into your hypnotizing eyes made me feel like I was up in heaven.

I blame your crooked smile and your soft, oh soft, lips, that always had me forgiving you so quick. I could never stay mad at you for more than a hour, because your smile and lips easily became my weakness.

I blame your warm hugs, and your strong arms, that always comforted me, and held me up right. I felt so safe, so in place, I felt at home within your clutch. My favorite place to ever be, was between your arms.

I blame your soothing voice, and your loud laugh, that were the perfect music to my life. I could put them in a song, and play it all day long, and I would still never get bored of hearing you breathe or speak.

I blame your beautiful soul, and your big heart, that caught me off guard and made me fall in deep. It was never love at first sight between you and me, it was your soul that knocked me off my feet.

I blame your caring personality, and your smart character, that had me wanting a future together. I imagined so much of you, of us. I could see myself building my life with you right by my side.

I blame your heartfelt, passionate loving, that I still long for everyday. You knew how to satisfy my every craving. You were the answer to all my desires.

I blame your sweet words, and your honest sentences, that were always spoken at the right time and right place. You gave the best advice, you knew how to make me laugh so hard. You also never ceased to make my heart skip beats.

I blame all the love you had for me, that had me head over heels loving you back. Your actions were loud and clear, as well as your words of love. How could I not feel the same? how could I not love you so much?

Most of all, I blame your pride, for holding it so tight to you and letting my love slip on by. You chose words from crowds over my honest pleas. You chose the rumors that jealous men spread, over, your beloved, me.

Days have passed, moments, and years, and after all this time I blame myself, for still wanting you near me. For still dreaming of your face, of your words, of your ways. I blame myself, for still having a weak heart in your presence today and every day.

I am powerless

The thoughts in my head suffocate me.
I drown in the waves that your memories have created.
I try to paddle through but my closed eyes can only imagine you.

While my ears ring from all the horrid words you said,
I choke on the phrases I never let flow out.

I am soaked in sweat and fear,
As this nightmare takes over me.

My body is flooded with pain,
Inert I lay, incapable of waking up,
I am powerless.

3:00am

Why is it when I am awake and restless at 3:00 a.m. my brain all of a sudden sorts out the rest of my life?

I have no energy whatsoever to move, however I am somewhat motivated to write a whole novel, learn two new languages, go ride a bicycle, travel to six different countries, find a company for my internship, plan my wedding (even though I’m not even engaged and not planning on it for at least another two years), bake, sort out my closets, plan how I am going to be a famous talk show host, and do some yoga, all at 3:00 a.m.

Am I the only one like this?

Memory

It’s sad how a memory that was once the highlight of your month, can turn into a haunting thought. Or how a certain place that you use to always go to and a specific song that you would put on replay for weeks, can now be something that fills you with disappointment.

It’s frustrating how a picture, or a movie can remind us of mistakes and regrets, and even worse, when seeing a specific person triggers up emotions we thought were long gone.