writings

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To Him

For days and weeks I was distracted from work, life, and family. I had sleepless nights because all I thought about was, what did I do wrong.

What did I do that you felt so comfortable pushing me away?

What did I say that you thought it was fine to walk away without saying a word?

Where did I go wrong, that you did not feel any guilt ignoring me and going about your life like I was no one important to you?

I felt horrible about myself. I felt worthless and unimportant. I felt incapable of being loved.

You made me doubt myself, my abilities, and my choices in life.

You made me doubt my character and my way of living.

However, after all that, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for breaking me, and teaching me how to put myself back together alone.

Thank you for making me feel bad about myself because now I am a much more confident soul.

Thank you for walking away, because when you left I found myself, and I learned my true worth.

When I thought there was something wrong with me, I eventually began to think clearer, see clearer and realize, there was nothing ever wrong with me, but everything wrong with you.

I was so blinded by your charisma that I never noticed you had zero personality. You spoke to people like they were beneath you just to make yourself feel better because you knew you had no character.

You build your muscles to cover up your weak soul.

You never have proper conversations with people because you don’t know how to keep an interesting conversation going.

You lack knowledge, you lack life, you lack love.

That is why I thank you, because of your weakness and insecurity, I found my light and strength.

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Words of a book I would never write #3

She stood in the middle of the crowd waiting to spot him. People rushed by, pushing and shoving, trying to get to where they were going. She just stood there and waited.

She wanted to have the first glimpse. As she was turning in her place she saw him in between the chaos. He stood there in his white polo and dark blue jeans. Clean shaved and hair cut fresh. His big, hazel eyes stood out from the crowd, and suddenly the place went quiet to her. She couldn’t hear the noise of the people around. Everything seemed to slow down to her eyes.

He noticed her and the widest, brightest smile appeared on his face, which made her heart race. Without even thinking, she was running and pushing through the crowed to get to him. Jumping into his arms, emotions ran through her and she knew, she knew, this is what it felt like to be home.

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Blame

I blame your big brown eyes, and your long dark lashes, that I always used to get lost in. They were my favorite piece of art in this universe. Many of my mornings, afternoons, and nights, were spent wandering in them. Looking into your hypnotizing eyes made me feel like I was up in heaven.

I blame your crooked smile and your soft, oh soft, lips, that always had me forgiving you so quick. I could never stay mad at you for more than a hour, because your smile and lips easily became my weakness.

I blame your warm hugs, and your strong arms, that always comforted me, and held me up right. I felt so safe, so in place, I felt at home within your clutch. My favorite place to ever be, was between your arms.

I blame your soothing voice, and your loud laugh, that were the perfect music to my life. I could put them in a song, and play it all day long, and I would still never get bored of hearing you breathe or speak.

I blame your beautiful soul, and your big heart, that caught me off guard and made me fall in deep. It was never love at first sight between you and me, it was your soul that knocked me off my feet.

I blame your caring personality, and your smart character, that had me wanting a future together. I imagined so much of you, of us. I could see myself building my life with you right by my side.

I blame your heartfelt, passionate loving, that I still long for everyday. You knew how to satisfy my every craving. You were the answer to all my desires.

I blame your sweet words, and your honest sentences, that were always spoken at the right time and right place. You gave the best advice, you knew how to make me laugh so hard. You also never ceased to make my heart skip beats.

I blame all the love you had for me, that had me head over heels loving you back. Your actions were loud and clear, as well as your words of love. How could I not feel the same? how could I not love you so much?

Most of all, I blame your pride, for holding it so tight to you and letting my love slip on by. You chose words from crowds over my honest pleas. You chose the rumors that jealous men spread, over, your beloved, me.

Days have passed, moments, and years, and after all this time I blame myself, for still wanting you near me. For still dreaming of your face, of your words, of your ways. I blame myself, for still having a weak heart in your presence today and every day.

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Drinking the anger away

It wasn’t until months after you left that I realized I had a drinking problem. I guess it started after our last and final goodbye. I was not devastated that we were going our separate ways, however, what got me was the main reason for our separation. What got me was how I finally found out the truth about who you really are, and that of course made me realize that our moments and memories, our history was all a big lie.

It was a game for you, and boy did you play it well. You played me really well. Your actions, your words, your thoughts, your generosity, it was like a screen play. I should have stood up and applauded once the final curtains closed, because damn, you really put on a show.

I turned to alcohol because it made me happy. It helped me free my mind and enjoy the simple things that surrounded me. I stopped feeling stupid for what you did to me. I never blamed myself for your lack of respect and dead brain cells. I just felt stupid that I was too blinded by your dark eyes and bright side smile to realize what you were really doing.

After the first few cups I began to let go of all the anger and hate I had towards you. The drinks wrapped their warmth around my soft heart and made me realize you were not worth holding a grudge over. Drinking made me realize that you really are not that important for me to wallow in sorrow.

A few days would pass and I would be fine, but then something would appear and I was back to hating you. The boiling rage that filled my body, was back, and wrapped itself around my soul, all because of you.

The thought of you made me cringe. It made me want to shower for hours to get your stink off my skin. It made me want burn my flesh off so I can forget how it felt to be touched by you. I wanted to go blind so I would never have to see another picture of you, and I knew eventually your image would erase from my brain.

At first I used to think you took my breath away from all you sweet actions and beautiful words, but then I realized I was just being suffocated by your lies. Lies that I did not notice until a little too late. Lies that I did not notice until the right person began pointing them out to me.

The alcohol helped me move on. The rounds of beers and Madurai sours mad me stronger. The vodka mixes and strawberry champagne made me feel more at peace with myself.  They made me let go of all the loathe I had inside of me, because of you.

And now, so many months after it all, I feel better. I feel fuller with happiness. I let go of all the negative feelings that I had bottled up towards you, because they were only hurting me. Those scarce moments you cross my mind, I feel petty towards you. I feel bad, that your poor decisions ruined the innocent soul you once used to be.

 

 

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The Difference between “Getting Over Someone” and “Moving On”

Someone once asked me how I got over the love of my life. My answer was simply, I am not over him, I just moved on. She was confused by my answer, as she considered both of them having basically the same meaning.

In my opinion, getting over someone is when the person no longer means anything to you. It is when they rarely cross your mind, and when they do, those thoughts and memories do not have any affect on you.

When you get over someone, you do not have anymore interest in their well-being or life. You basically do not care about what they are up to in life and whether they are happy or not.

When you have no love or hate feelings toward an ex, and their existence is irrelevant to your life, that is when you know you are over them.

When you move on, in my point of you, it means you are going forward in life getting used to the absence of that person in your days.

You still care about the person, you still think about them, however, you know that they do not belong in your life for one reason or another. You may still ask mutual friends about how your ex is doing in life, and what they have been up to, just because you still care and what to know they are doing well and are satisfied with their studies, work, etc.

When you move on, you might still have a weak heart towards that person, but that does not necessarily mean that you still want them back into your life as a lover.

Furthermore, you cherish the moments and memories made, and you are grateful for the experience and love that was shared.

Thinking about the person might still bring you some pain, but most of the time it will put a smile on your face. You relive the good times more than the bad, and that is why they will always be a small part in your beating heart.

 

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The Second Stranger

Let me tell you about this man, you see, I met him only last week.

My brain is soaked in thoughts of him;
Words he said,
Looks he gave,
Hand gestures he made.

I close my eyes to imagine his face;
The way he stares,
The smile he wears,
The way he lights up when he speaks from the soul.

They told me he was a charmer, you see, but I didn’t believe.
I didn’t think I would get hooked so easily.

Now, I sit and think of him regularly.
I sit and wonder, if he thinks of me.

I’m limited with words and actions, you see.
Because this man works with me.

I analyze so much, of the time we spent together.
I analyze so much, of the words he whispered.
I analyze so much, of the comments he made.

But, yet again, maybe he’s just always that way.

Let me tell you one more thing about this man, you see, the one I only met last week.
His smile has me hooked,
His laugh has me mesmerized,
And his eyes? Yeah I can get lost in them all the time.