Choices

Every day our life is masked with many choices. Each choice we make leading up to the next leaves a trail we can only one day look back at and hope we made the right decisions.

These choices help make us who we are day after day. We grow, our options change, and that leads us to become different people.

What we do, how we do it, and when we do it, every little choice makes a difference, and that difference may only appear later.

While you make your choices today, make sure you have the intention of something good behind it. Hopefully, the good behind it is for you.

– N.N.

Lost

I lost myself.

I lost myself in a world that never recognized me.

I lost my way in a path that never wanted me.

I lost myself, and I have no idea where to go from here.

Quarantine Thoughts

On March 22, the company I was working with decided it was time they took matters seriously and allowed us to work from home. I say “was” because I was already doing my one month notice with them. Since the pandemic started, the agency I was a Content Manager for had to make me redundant as we were losing clients.

I was upset, but understood their loyalty did not stand with their employees but with the money they were making, but that’s another story.

April 7 was officially my last day, funny thing is it was also my 1 year anniversary with the agency.

Since then, I have done a couple of interviews and applied to numerous jobs, however, there has been no luck with anything due to how big this pandemic became.

Being stuck in a foreign country during this pandemic, not sure when things will start getting better has really hit me hard, as I am sure it has done to many people. My sleep schedule is completely messed up. I barely eat, I barely speak to other people too. I have my okay days, but I do have many, many dark days.

This isn’t easy on any of us. Many people are not sure where or when their next paycheck is going to come from. Many people are not sure if they’ll have enough to cover rent, pay bills, or even put food on the table for themselves or their families.

Amidst all this, I have done a lot of self thinking. I’ve always been a lost soul, jumping from country to country, from opportunity to another, yet I have realized I do not really have set goals.

I know I love to write, even though technically I was an accountant back in the day. I know I have a very creative mind, yet, I do not know where I want to go with all this. Where do I even start to figuring it out? I have a passion for telling stories and making magic out of words but what if I’m not good enough?

But most importantly, where do I even start to realize what I want to do with my life? What I want to do with my words?

November 20, 2017

I hit rock bottom.

I hit rock bottom and didn’t even want to get back up. I was tired and drained and I had lost all hope in a better me.

I doubted myself. I doubted my capabilities, my possibilities, and my power. My confidence was shattered and I didn’t care to work on myself.

I let go of life and began going with the flow, just like a dead fish would. I convinced myself I was okay. I convinced myself that I would become better, even though I wasn’t working on it.

I didn’t try, I didn’t care, I didn’t even want to get better. What was the use piecing myself back together when I was going to shatter again?

One day, out of the blue I thought to myself, I’m in a better place. I realized, I was happy and living my life again. I don’t remember when it happened, or how it even happened. I don’t remember how I got better without even realizing. But I did.

Sometime during those long dark nights, and coffee cups, something inside be began to mend, and it shined right through.

One line

I know it’s wrong, I know it’s not meant to be, but how do I tell my heart how to feel? 

Summer Enchantment

Heartbeats and butterflies,

Sunsets and mountain views.

Road trips and long walks,

Late nights and random cruises.

Tan lines, and wine stains,

Cigarette smoke, and long tales.

Warm hugs and honest words,

Forehead kisses and a hand to hold.

Smiles that brighten the eyes and laughter that fills the air.

Lips that kiss the flesh and arms that hold the soul. 

Bodies that become one, and moans that vibrate the veins. 

What happened?

Cigarette after cigarette, 

Wine glass number three, 

The fidget in her smile, 

The lost glisten in her eyes,

What happened to the girl, that was once so alive?

For years I knew he was a point of weakness for me. I finally realized just that, he was only a single point. 

Soul Recognition

Something about him was familiar. I knew we never met before but his presence felt extremely familiar. Those bright eyes pierced me with comfort. That smile overwhelmed me with a cozy feeling.

How could you feel so familiar when our paths had never crossed before?

I was in a new city, surrounded by strange people, and everyday you stood out. I would smile, I would say hello, but for a confident person, I couldn’t summon up the courage to approach you and start a conversation.

On our last night in that interesting city I decided it was now or never. We ended up speaking for hours, and I understood how my soul got attracted to you before I knew anything about you.

You have a vibe that I haven’t been introduced to before. A personality of gold, and the more I got to know you, the more my heart wanted to hold on.

My insides did not just do jumping jacks all night, they started a protest inside of me to not let you walk out of my life.

As the sun started to come up I realized this night, that felt like a chapter out of my favorite romance novel, was about to end. You would be getting on a flight back home in a few hours, and I would be getting on a flight back to my home later that day.

How can a conversation with a stranger change so much in you? A couple of hours with you changed my point of view on important aspects in my life. Days later and your voice filled with advice and knowledge rings in my head. You left a print on my soul, and I sit and wonder if I left a print on yours.

 

Things get worse,

Life gets harder,

People become rude,

Friends pick up and leave for good.

Siblings stop talking,

Money runs out,

Storms pick up and destroy everything in sight. 

Hope gets lost,

Patience runs out,

Sickness overcomes,

Nothing remains but to tap out.